Firstly Hello again little blog, it has been a while.
This is not really going to be a home ed post because I need this post for another reason, I need to work out a few things, to get them out of my head and on to paper and to have a place to come back to in a few years time and reflect. So if you want to stop reading now, thank you for coming, I hope to have you back again soon x.
If you are still with me, here goes………….
I love lists, I love charts and schedules, I love having everything planned, I love knowing where we are heading, I love knowing our next move.
I hate not knowing what to choose, I hate having questions with out answers, I hate not having a plan.
The number of questions that are running round in my head is almost too much for me to contain, the constant back and forth with a decision, the not knowing what the right decision is, the not being able to achieve what I so desperately want is making me feel like I am falling apart. I feel like I am wondering alone, lost, not knowing how to get home.
So let me break it down one question at a time
Do I make this blog private?
I love that people enjoying reading this little blog, I enjoying writing it, however some days there are things I would like to write about that I don’t, because, I am never sure who is reading.
Going private would mean I can rant till the cows come home and I know it would stay on these pages.
But this blog was mainly set up so that our family can see what we get up too and it works, the family whom live abroad enjoying seeing what we do and I hope they feel a little closer to us.
I also wanted this blog to be a bit like a diary, a day by day view, even if nothing exciting happened, but I have found myself choosing not to blog because I didn’t have anything different from the day before to say, I am mindful of the few people who read this blog, which then means I am blogging for them not for myself. Again going private would mean I can blog about every day boring stuff without worrying if I am boring people to death.
So private or public?
Do I take a leap of faith?
There is a word that floats around the home ed circle, a word that scares me, a word that I can see my children heading too and if I am honest they have been for a long, long time but I have always fought against it, a word that would test me and would take a huge leap of faith, not because I don’t think they would succeed, but because it is the complete opposite of who I am.
That word is Autonomous learning or child lead learning. Scary word isn’t it.
It would mean my lovely lists would have to go, my need to have every thing planned and know exactly what we are doing and when would not cut it. That scares me, I feel safe when every thing is controlled, I need to be in control and with Autonomous learning I would be essentially handing the control over to them, I would be a facilitator rather than an educator.
I have read numerous books/website about this subject and I get it, I see how wonderful it is and I can see it works, I can see how it would benefit my children, even nursery/play-groups/preschools are adopting a variation of this method of learning and it seems a wonderful way of life but I am not sure I can do it.
At times I think it is possible other times I freak out and dismiss it altogether, I have seen it coming for a while and it amazes me that despite every thing, all my plans, charts, lists, I am still having to consider this way of learning.
When I feel brave and leave the children to it, what they learn amazes me, for example the other night we went out for a meal with my brother and his fiancée and my mum and step dad, the pub we were in was holding a quiz, we could hear the questions, Fairy started answering some of them, when the answers were read out we checked her answers and she got everyone right. I had not taught her any of the information she needed, it was all things she had read/researched all by herself all because she was interested in it at the time.
So do I take the leap of faith or do I continue with the struggle to get them to comply to my way of learning?
Do we go, do we stay or something in between?
Okay, so forget everything you have just read about me, because this is not going to make much sense if you still have me as a control freak in your mind.
All my life I have felt like a free spirit, when I was little I used to dream about being a gypsy, having a wagon, a horse and a few belongings and travelling from place to place, just following the open road.
I hate the thought of being stuck in one place to long, I become bored quickly, which is why I think I chose to work with children, no two days with children are the same. Most of my life I have fought this feeling but it has always been there, getting stronger and stronger.
I would love really, really love to travel, just up and leave, go from place to place, work for a bit then move on.
In 2010 we did just that we travelled America for six weeks all six of us the Twinaloos were 1 1/2, we did a few thousand miles and went through roughly 18 states, it was amazing, it was unbelievable and for the first time in my life I felt at home. To be honest I fell in LOVE with America and when we returned home I was depressed for quite a while after and longed to go back.
I hoped that six weeks travelling would be enough, I would get it out of my system, I would then be able to settle down here and concentrate on buying a house ect ect.
This did not happen!
Then I came across these people http://www.lundy5.com/ and I have never been so envious of another persons way of life.
Think of all the amazing places there are to see, all the amazing sights that were created for us to witness and I am stuck here in Suffolk.
The problem, well money, but there is ways around that, working at each place we stop, it would mean staying in one place longer but we could do it. Also how could I leave my mum, it would break her heart, my munchkins (and my Brother) are her life, how could I take them away from her. Especially when she is ill, I want to be here with her.
So do we go, do we stay, or do we go for a year?
Some where warm, big house small garden, small house big garden or caravan and land?
I need the sun shine, I have known this for a while, I am no good in winter, I love the warmth, the brightness, the freedom and beauty of the sun. I am a better person when it is sunny. I desperately want to move, some where it is warm all year round I have always fancied Australia and strangely enough quite a lot of my family, on my Mum’s side have moved there. Husband would love to move abroad as well. So it is something we discuss regularly. But again how could I leave my mum.
The sun we have had recently has meant we have been outside a lot more, this has made me realise how much we need more outdoor space, I am desperate to grow my own food, the children are desperate to have a big back garden, they will rate every house we see, on the size of the back garden, it does not matter what the house has to offer, whether it be more space inside or a bedroom for each of them, if the garden is small then it is a no, no. I was so lucky growing up I got to experience freedom of land, we had horses, and family members had land, lots of it, so I spent most of my childhood running free or paddling in the stream at the end of the field, I want this for my children. We have talked about buying some land and living on it in a caravan, oh the problems that this creates is unreal but we would still consider it and it is doable as this lovely family are doing just that.
I would really like more space inside, home education takes up a lot of space and another room down stairs would be a dream come true, a room to store all the bits and pieces, a room where everything was accessible all the time. It would be bliss.
So do we move abroad, move in to a caravan, find a smaller house with a bigger garden or find a bigger house which will almost certainly have a small back garden.
So many questions not enough answers.