Here but not really.

Sometimes I feel I am short-changing the children, a day can go by and I realise that I have not even sat with the children, no books have been read, no proper cuddles have been had, no toys have been played with.

They have read, cuddled, played but I have not. I have been too caught up in my own tasks, that I have not noticed them.

Sure I have fed them, dried tears, listened to moans and helped with tasks. But if I am honest I have not given them my all, a cuddle my have been given with just one arm because I was too busy looking at something on the internet and I didn’t want to move the lap top off my lap. A conversion may have been replied too without not really understanding what they were saying

I seem to have fallen into a pattern of not really listening to them, maybe I listen but I do not hear.

To be honest at the moment my children annoy me, as in super annoy me, they moan constantly, they fight, the twins cry, gosh do they cry, they bang the glass in the back door even though they know not too, they keep insisting on coming in the laundry door, causing the washing on the tumble dryer to fall on the floor, do they pick it up, of course not. They get things out and never put stuff away, they shout, I am convinced they can not speak in a normal voice. They repeat everything a hundred times, even when I have answered them. They climb in the bathroom window instead of using the door and I am so tired of telling them not to do these things and not have them listen that I am not enjoying them or me at all. I am shouting at them a lot and I am finding myself escaping from them more and more. Laptop time for them has increased, as has cbeebies just because I know while they are busy doing these things they are not bugging me.

I don’t want to wake up one day and realise that they have stopped asking me to look at their drawing or showing me a new skill they have learnt so some thing has to change, not some thing me, I have to change.

When I read back all I have written the biggest thing that screams out at me is that they are bored, not bored as in we have nothing to do bored but bored as in something is missing bored.

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day and she mentioned, how if you constantly keep children entertained, constantly have something for them to do, then when they become adults what will they be like. How will they ever learn to amuse themselves. I completely agree with this, I am not saying that I want to have activities set up for the children every hour of every day, I don’t want them to need to be told what to do and when to do it, what I want is to feel more present I guess, be ready for them when they do need me, feel happy that they want to play, happy that I have time to play, not feel annoyed because I have so much else to do.

The only way I can see me achieving this is planning, organising and eliminating the things that are not important. I have so much to do each day and it does get on top of me, I often feel like I am drowning in jobs.
The fact is that four children at home ALL the time causes a lot of mess and house work, Jason’s shifts means that he is never here at the same time/day each week, if he is on nights then literally everything is up to me. I hate this, it gets a tad lonely, but it’s just the way it is, he works hard to provide for us.

So step one, a list of  things that need doing each day/evening, every other day and things that waste my time.

Every day/evening

washing up,
Cooking ,
Feed cats,
next days work,

Every other day.

Wipe over floors,
Bath time,
Hoover stairs,
Wipe over bathroom


Next weeks work ( get books needed, supply’s ect)
Change bed sheets

Things that waste my time,


One other thing I want to change is the fact that I go to bed so late, I would rather get up early than go to bed late.

Ohhh so simple, right now just to make a plan of how I am going to fit this all in. All while having to pack up every thing we own.

One last thing, please stop raining, it’s really not helping my mood.


Categories: Uncategorized | 1 Comment

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One thought on “Here but not really.

  1. The workload that comes with a family of four children is huge, add to the fact that you have had a set of twins takes the challenge even further, add to that home education and there is no wonder you feel like you are drowning at times. I can say this with confidence as I too have four children, twins and they are home educated and I hear you! I also know that despite the various ways to home educate we all must do what works best for the dynamics and situations of our own families and that invariably changes as we grow and develop. There are so many phases to work through and everything shall come to pass. The most positive thing we can do I feel is to be honest with ourselves and look for solutions and recognise that we can only do our best and even we mums need some space and time. Virtual hugs x

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